As I wrote here recently, the All Star Saturday Night is the most important component for All Star weekend. It usually determines whether it’s a memorable experience for the fans in the building and the fans watching at home like in 2000 and 2003 or if it’s going to be a complete waste of time like in the previous two years (2006 and 2005). As someone that loves the All Star weekend, I have to be honest and say that it’s becoming almost un-watchable. It’s easy to keep coming back because you never know when someone might emerge and wow us like Vince Carter did in Oakland in 2000.
The NBA has tried to spice things up in the past by adding the Shooting Stars competition, the Skills Challenge, and a Dunk Wheel. None of those things have worked. What this weekend needs is star power and drama. We don’t need commercials every ten minutes or gimmicks to distract us from the boredom. The league can’t afford to go a third straight year with a disappointing Saturday night.
Before we proceed, let’s recap the Rookie-Sophomore game. This game is continually getting worse and worse. There isn’t any drama to it, there isn’t any defense played, and it almost seems like a glorified And 1 Mixtape Tour game. I can’t tell you how many times Kevin Durant frustrated us with these cute little look away shovel passes that never got to his teammate. There were some nice dunks and impressive alley-oops but there are far too many miscues in this game to keep my interest for many more years. When I was writing the preview to this game and thinking about picking an MVP for it, I initially thought, “I think Rudy Gay will win the MVP but I bet someone terrible like Daniel Gibson will come out firing and win the award just to piss me off.” Well, he came out firing and he hit. He shot 20 threes in the ball game and made 11 of them, breaking Kyle Korver’s rookie-sophomore game record by 4 makes.
Prediction: Sophs 128, Rookies 123; Rudy Gay wins MVP
Outcome: Sophs 136, Rookies 109; Daniel Gibson wins MVP
And without further ado, let’s get to the 2008 All Star Saturday Night Running Diary.
0:01- We’re live from New Orleans, Louisiana for the All Star Saturday night events. The Talkhoops.net Running Diary Crew consists of myself, Zach Harper, and our resident cynic, Andy Eisner. We’re watching from the Harper residence in Sacramento, California and are accompanied by the resident dog, Brown Bear. Chances are that I’ll be doing more yelling at the dog tonight than yelling for good reasons at the All Star events. Marc Broussard greets us initially with his music set to an All Star events montage from past years. The song is called “Must Be the Water.” Andy is digging it because he liked this guy’s performance during halftime of the Rookie game on Friday night. I have one question. Is it appropriate to play a song called “Must Be the Water” when you’re doing an event from a place that was completely decimated by a hurricane last year and will take 10 years to rebuild? Couldn’t they have played a different song? I’m going to look at Marc Broussard song titles to find a better choice.
0:02- Kevin Harlan greets us as our lead announcer tonight. Mike Fratello and Reggie Miller join him. TNT knows very well that if you’re going to have an event that needs some life injected into it because it’s been boring in recent memory, get Kevin Harlan who will shout for no reason and try to hype up the littlest thing. This guy would scream in excitement over fixing a recliner.
“OOOOOOHHHH! HE TIGHTENS THE LUGNUT AND THE CHAIR IS SITTABLE ONCE AGAIN!!!!”
0:03- Kevin Harlan asks the panel to analyze the Shooting Stars competition and pick a winner. Reggie Miller is already stammering and proving to solidify his position as one of the worst color commentators of all time. He literally can’t speak and I don’t mean Darius Miles illiterate can’t speak. He must have caught Bill Walton’s stammer when he attended UCLA. Reggie picks the Detroit team because they won it last year and Swin Cash has been on fire from the half court shot along with Bill Laimbeer in the past.
For those of you that are unfamiliar with the Shooting Stars Competition, they pick a current NBA player, a WNBA player, and a legend all from the same city. The object of the game is for the team to hit shots from 6 places on the court. They have to go in a certain order for the first 5 and cannot shoot the next shot until the previous one is completed. During this competition, the NBA player has to look completely uninterested as the WNBA player ultimately kills their chances of winning the competition. As this is going on the living legend has to come as close to a heart attack as possible while the fans at home try to individually pluck the hair off their own bodies so that viewing this competition is less painful than it normally would be.
Here our teams for tonight’s Shooting Stars Competition-
Chicago: B.J. Armstrong (legend), Chris Duhon (NBA), Candice Dupree (WNBA)
Phoenix: Eddie Johnson (legend), Amare Stoudemire (NBA), Cappie Pondexter (WNBA)
San Antonio: David Robinson (legend), Tim Duncan (NBA), Becky Hammon (WNBA)
Detroit: Bill Laimbeer (legend), Chauncey Billups (NBA), Swin Cash (WNBA)
0:04- The Bulls are first up and the early verdict is that B.J. Armstrong can still flat out stroke it. He looks like he could still play in this league and considering that Troy Hudson made a team this year, B.J might want to try out for a few teams.
Here’s a Marc Broussard song title update. Other choices instead of “Must Be the Water” could have been “Save Me,” “Let Me Leave,” “Come in from the Cold,” and “Inner City Blues.” Good god. All this guy sings about is the aftermath of Katrina. Maybe “Must Be the Water” was the correct choice. I’ll keep looking.
Bulls finish in 39.6 seconds, which seems like a good time but who in the hell has any thing to back that up? B.J. missed one shot and Chris Duhon eventually hits the half court shot to disprove Reggie Miller’s theory that the WNBA player usually will hit the half court shot.
0:05- Eddie Johnson shoots out of turn in when Phoenix goes. And then takes 5 attempts to make the three from the wing. I think he might just be doing this because there’s an appearance fee. Phoenix finishes with a time of 50.9 seconds. And we’re going to commercial for some reason. We’re 5 minutes in and going to commercial mid-event. This may be a very taxing evening on my patience.
0:09- We’re back and it’s San Antonio’s turn. David Robinson misses the bank shot on his first 46 attempts to begin their portion of the first round. But he still looks like he’s in amazing shape. He always looked like someone that wasn’t in love with basketball but was so good at it that he figured he ought to play. He never seemed crushed by defeat like other great players and never seemed floored by victory when they finally won. He was even-keel his whole career. With that said, how the hell is he supposed to get excited over something like this competition?
Robinson nails the half court shot on his first try to give the San Antonio team 2nd place in the first round so far with a time of 41.4 seconds. He shot it with the effort of a 6-foot jumper. That’s how strong THAT guy is. Also, Andy is impressed with how good-looking Becky Hammon is. There are only two explanations for this. Either it’s been a while for Andy or he doesn’t have his contacts in.
0:11- Detroit’s team is up next. Bill Laimbeer had two heart attacks on his way out to the court and managed to gain 14 more pounds. The Detroit team is hampered by terrible shooting and is already eliminated before Chauncey shoots the 5th shot. Reggie Miller’s half court shot theory is two for four right now. Swin Cash and Cappie Pondexter hit their half court attempts earlier.
0:13- We’re subjected to our first Tyler Perry commercial at this point. I’m actually shocked that TNT showed enough restraint to wait this long. I’m surprised that one of Tyler Perry’s insufferable characters isn’t announcing in place of Mike Fratello. I’m not going to say that Tyler Perry is least funny person in TV history, but he’s definitely last in the funniest person in TV history contest.
0:17- San Antonio puts up a final round time of 35.8 after Duncan hits the half court shot. Reggie Miller would have noticed but he was busy talking some nonsense about 7-footers being in the contest. Kevin Harlan let us know by shouting at an extremely high level. Andy and I are getting through this portion of night like we used to get through the Adam Carolla talk show on Comedy Central. We would watch the show but not be paying attention and often found ourselves looking off into the ceiling as we contemplated something slightly more interesting than what was on the screen.
0:18- Chicago can’t hit the half court shot and finish with a time of just over 4 hours. This contest is mercifully over. It took 18 minutes to complete and shouldn’t have taken more than 6.
0:19- Oh god, here comes Cheryl Miller. Cheryl Miller used to be a good sideline reporter. Then TNT went completely ballistic with their coverage of everything and she decided to become one of the guys when she interviewed people. But here’s the problem with that… YOU’RE A WOMAN!!! Quit acting like a guy. She’s almost reached un-watchable status, aka- Stu Scott status. I don’t know who stammers more, Reggie or Cheryl. There are literally only 12 people in the arena that are clapping.
My prediction was: BOREDOM
Outcome: BOREDOM
0:25- We’ve now moved on to the second pointless contest of the evening- the skills competition. In this contest, 4 hung-over NBA players take turns going through an obstacle course where they have to make a lay-up, dribble around stationary, plastic defenders, make a chest pass into a receptacle, make a bounce pass into a receptacle, make a jump shot form the top of the key, make another bounce pass into a receptacle, dribble through more defenders and then make another lay-up. They do all of this while trying not to puke up the remaining alcohol from the night before and wondering if they’ll get a “rash” of Delonte West proportions from the women at Kenny Smith’s party.
0:29- We’ve got our second Tyler Perry commercial for his House of Payne show. I simply don’t understand this at all so I’ll revert back to Talkhoops.net’s version of J.A. Adande, Phillip Barnett and text message exchange we had a couple of days ago.
“Someday I’m going to need you to explain this Tyler Perry thing to me.”- Me
“Lol…you might want to ask someone a little more black. I don’ understand it at all.”- Phillip Barnett
0:30- The competition begins to see who has better skills. Our participants are Deron Williams, Jason Kidd, Dwyane Wade and hometown favorite Chris Paul. Reggie Miller picks Kidd because he feels that it’s an audition to join the Dallas Mavericks. This was a poor attempt at humor by Reggie. When a team is begging to trade for you, you usually don’t have to audition. By the way, the Kidd deal appears to still be on. Only instead of Jerry Stackhouse and Devean George involved, it will be Trenton Hassell and Keith Van Horn (sign and trade). You’ll get my analysis of this deal when it goes down but I’ll give you a bit of a preview- Mavs will suffer from it.
Deron Williams drops in a time of 31.2 seconds and we get our first shot of Jason Kidd’s oldest son sitting with Dwyane Wade. His kid can’t be more than 6 or 7 years old and he’s already bigger than Earl Boykins. His head is gigantic like a Macy’s Day Parade cartoon character balloon. Also, he has a mustache thicker than Bea Arthur’s.
0:32- Surprise, Surprise. Jason Kidd struggles with the jump shot portion of the competition. He finishes with a time of 39.7 seconds. And we get another shot of his kid. He’s HUGE!
Chris Paul is up next and nails the competition with a time of 29.9 seconds. Kidd has been eliminated, which is good for him because now he can go call his assistants and tell them which items to ship to Dallas.
0:34- Dwyane Wade is up now and manages to turn the ball over going through plastic defenders. He then misses all 5 shots and misses a lot of the passes. By the time he goes through the rest of the defenders, he’s just sauntering through. Reggie Miller guesses that Dwyane Wade will finish with a dunk for the fans. Little does he know that Wade has 2 liters of Grey Goose vodka in his liver still so he misses a lay-up, then a put back before finally putting it in with a final time of 53.9 seconds. What a performance. Maybe he was distracted by Kidd’s son’s mustache.
0:40- Final round is Deron Williams against Chris Paul. Williams is up first and blazing through this competition. We get a shot of LeBron James as Williams finishes with an all-time best time of 25.5 seconds. LeBron James is dressed like Carmen San Diego with a trench coat that makes you wonder if he’s exposing himself to a large crowd of people later. Chris Paul finishes with 31.2 seconds and Deron Williams is your 2008 Skills Challenge competition. The energy in the air is about as thick as Cheryl Miller’s sideburns.
Cheryl Miller gives away a Playstation 3 system then crushes a beer can on her head as she challenges everybody to arm-wrestle here.
Prediction: Chris Paul over Dwyane Wade
Outcome: Deron Williams over Chris Paul
0:48- We’re back and about to start the Three-Point Shootout. They have mercifully replaced Mike Fratello with Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley. Unfortunately, Reggie Miller is still there and Cheryl Miller is off to the side teaching herself out to pee standing up. Charles Barkley starts making government cheese and welfare jokes. I’m sure thousands of New Orleans’ patrons are just dying of laughter.
0:56- We’re actually still waiting for this competition to begin. The last contest ended 16 minutes ago and we still haven’t been able to start the Three-Point Shootout. This night could be done in an hour or less but TNT has to draw everything out, give Reggie and Cheryl Miller enough time to see who has a bigger Adam’s Apple, show 35 Tyler Perry commercials and 122 commercials for some show called Bones.
Our participants for tonight’s shootout are Jason Kapono (2007 winner), Peja Stojakovic (2-time winner), Daniel Gibson, Dirk Nowitzki (2006 winner), Richard Hamilton and Steve Nash. There are actually 4 good shooters this year, which is rare to get that many. No Quentin Richardson’s in this year’s competition.
0:57- We just had this exchange between Kevin Harlan, Reggie Miller, and Charles Barkley as Richard Hamilton begins the contest.
“Reggie, What would be your strategy here?”- Kevin Harlan
“How about make shots?”- Reggie Miller
“What do you think the strategy is, Kevin?”- Charles Barkley
This is why you don’t need to analyze these competitions because there’s just one way to win. In the Skills competition, be faster than everybody else. Shootout- make more shots than everybody else. Dunk contest- dunk better than everybody else. Don’t talk strategy just to hear yourself speak.
Richard Hamilton is on the line for 4 of his last 8 shot attempts. Maybe there is a strategy to this. Shoot three-pointers not twos.
1:00- While talking about Daniel Gibson having a star shaved into his head, Chuck says, “If you don’t start, you shouldn’t be allowed to have a star in your head. That should be a rule. That should be one of the Ten Commandments. You can’t come off the bench and have a star in your head. Y’all know I’m right.”
Anyone that claims Charles Barkley isn’t entertaining should be banned from watching TNT.
Then Reggie came with this- “As long as you at least hit your money balls then you’re okay.”
“No Reggie, then you only have 10. That’s not enough.”- Andy. So cynical.
Also, Reggie is looking bad again. Kenny asked him what his high in this competition was and Reggie claimed 20 or 21. It’s actually 19. I looked it up. You’re a Hall of Famer, Reggie. No need to lie about your accomplishments.
1:02- After asking Reggie Miller why he doesn’t come out of retirement and compete in these competitions, Reggie claims he would do better than most of these guys. Then Charles Barkley drops this gem, “Somebody needs to dig up Vernon Maxwell.” I think that there should be a legends game in the All Star weekend again, but there needs to be a certain kind of legend involved. I want Vernon Maxwell, Rod Strickland, Dennis Scott, Anthony Mason, and Oliver Miller against Mark Price, Rex Chapman, Willie Burton, Charles Oakley, and Bill Wennington. Those are the kind of legends’ games I want to see.
1:09- Here’s what happens when you drag out these events and get them to be twice as long as they should be.
“Now Charles, off hand do you know how many three-pointers you made in your career?”- Kevin Harlan
“No. Now why the hell would I know that?”- Charles Barkley. NBA: Where We Need You to Fill Dead Air Happens.
Peja Stojakovic just missed a key money ball on the last rack to end up with a score of 15 instead of a much-needed 17. This leads me to believe that the money ball is a terrible idea in the three-point shootout. It doesn’t show who the better shooter is at all. If you miss more shots than another competitor but hit all of your money balls then you move on. I’m starting the Do Away With the Money Ball movement.
1:13- Here’s a fun little exchange between the broadcasters-
“Is Damon Jones still in the league?”- Reggie Miller
“C’mon, man. Damon Jones says he’s the best shooter in the NBA.”- Kenny Smith
“Yup, he says he wants to be traded.”- Charles Barkley
“Not with that haircut he’s not.”- Kevin Harlan
“They were trying to get him down in the NBDL. One of those teams was trying to trade for him.”- Charles Barkley
“Maybe he played in the D-League All Star game earlier.”- Reggie Miller
Here are the results from the first round. Kapono (20 points), Dirk and Gibson (17 points a piece) all move on. Peja (15 pts), Rip Hamilton (14 pts) and Nash (9 pts) are eliminated. It took 34 minutes to set up and finish the first round, which technically should take no more than 7 minutes.
1:18- While showing a shot of Daniel Gibson-
“Did you guys see what he did last night?”- Kevin Harlan
“Yeah, we called the game.”- Kenny Smith
Daniel Gibson just shot a 17 in the final round and LeBron James and Damon Jones both battle to get on camera. I don’t know who’s put out more effort tonight. Is it Cheryl Miller trying to grow hair on her chest or Jones and LeBron trying to get as much camera time as possible?
1:22- After Dirk puts in a disappointing 14 pts in the final round-
“Well there’s certain angles that shooters are more comfortable with. We call it the titty, that little crease that goes from…”- Reggie Miller
“What you call it?”- Charles Barkley
“The titty. The titty that’s the short three in the corner or the longer three when you get around the titty. Hey that’s what shooters call it.”- Reggie Miller
“I really have to hold myself on that. I’ve never used the term titty on the basketball court.”- Charles Barkley
Jason Kapono wins the Three-Point Shootout with a record tying 25 points. He had Gibson beat halfway through the fourth rack. He might be the best shooter not named Ray Allen.
Prediction: Peja Stojakovic wins
Outcome: Jason Kapono wins
1:31- Between the shootout and dunk contest, we’ve got someone named Dr. John singing a song by Louis Armstrong. This guy looks like a drugged out Willie Nelson. And yes, I realize how redundant that is. That’s how high this guy looks in his Who Framed Roger Rabbit attire. Thank god for TiVo. We’ll fast forward through this portion of the night and skip Dr. John.
“The only Dr. John that I know is Dr. John Salmons.”- Andy, our cynic.
1:41- Our judges for the Dunk Contest this year are Darryl Dawkins, Dominique Wilkins, Karl Malone, Julius Erving, and Magic Johnson. If anyone is missing a barcalounger, Darryl Dawkins has skinned it and turned it into a suit.
Cheryl Miller gives one of the most pointless interviews of all time while talking to Gerald Green.
“Well, Gerald. You probably have the most creative name for your dunk. It’s called the birthday cake. I know you can’t disclose anything but can you give us a hint?”- Cheryl
“I really can’t give you a hint. It’s called the birthday cake. That’s it.”- Gerald Green
“Okay, but can you tell us what’s involved with it?”- Cheryl
“I really can’t.”- Gerald Green
Dynamite reporting, Cheryl. Maybe next time you can get him in a headlock and force him to talk while you threaten to spit in his face. Next year, let's explain to her that she isn't anyone's older brother before she's allowed on television.
1:45- We just had our first Dikembe Mutombo sighting. I guarantee before the evening is over, he will be grabbing someone and shaking them in delight while he lets out a huge smile after a great dunk. Guaranteed.
1:47- After two semi-impressive dunks by Jamario Moon and Rudy Gay, Dwight Howard does his off the back of the backboard, windmill dunk with his head still behind the backboard. Our cynic, Andy, was upset because he claims that it’s Andre Iguodala’s dunk. But it looks like one of the hardest things to do. Amazing start for Howard. Judges give him a perfect 50. Kenny Smith is close to being aroused.
“When Kobe Bryant is amazed at the dunk that you do, that’s when you’re doing something.”- Kenny Smith
1:50- Every year, Magic Johnson claims that the Dunk Contest is back. Every f’ing year. This year is no different as Rashad McCants and Gerald Green set up the cupcake with a lit candle on the back of the rim.
“Hey Kevin, remember the last two years when we would say the dunk contest is back? This is what we’re talking about. It is back right now.”- Magic Johnson
Where does the Dunk Contest keep going? Who keeps taking it away? Does Vince Carter take it away along with his pride and effort every season and hide it? By the way, Gerald Green blows out the candle and dunks it with two hands. Execution wasn’t pretty but the creativity is through the roof. 45 from the judges. I think Dawkins gave him an 8 because he didn’t get to eat the cupcake after. You have to bribe the judges.
1:57- Here’s a tip to all dunkers in the future. Don’t put tape down on the floor to show everyone where you want to jump from. It doesn’t work because they never jump from the tape they put down. It’s always a step inside or two steps inside if you’re Josh Smith. Jamario Moon put tape on the floor behind the free throw line and is going to try to catch an alley-oop after taking off from there.
“I tried that earlier today.”- Charles Barkley
“Yeah, you landed on the free throw line.”- Kenny Smith
“Ya, I landed there.”- Charles Barkley
Jamario Moon doesn’t pull off actually jumping from there and earns himself a 44. It’s moments like that, which lead the dunk contest to disappointing the fans.
2:02- Bingo! Dwight Howard shows the Superman cape and Superman shirt underneath is jersey and Dikembe Mutombo is grabbing Damon Jones and shaking him. For those of you that had 2nd part of the first round in the Dikembe Shakes Office Pool, you’ve won.
“He’s got a body like Superman.”- Kenny Smith
Dwight Howard just literally threw the ball in with one of the best dunk attempts I’ve ever seen. Kenny Smith is screaming that he wins, yells, “Superman,” and then incorrectly starts singing the Superman music. It’s a 50. Kenny Smith is officially aroused and engorged.
“Watch Roger Clemens throw this through.”- Andy
“NBA entertainment at his best!”- Magic Johnson. His best? NBA: Where I was so good at basketball that I never had to learn how to read or write Happens
The most unusual part of this part of the contest? Jerome Williams is there in the front row and chest bumping Dwight Howard after the dunk. Jerome Williams! He hasn’t played in years and apparently, people still consider him to be with the NBA. You literally just have to big a tall, black male to show up at these events and get the VIP treatment. Why wouldn’t every young, gigantic black male in this country try to get in based on their appearance?
Gerald Green (91 pts) and Dwight Howard (100 pts) get to move on.
2:09- Cheryl Miller is interviewing both players at half court before the final round. Why? What does this bring to my entertainment value other than the fact that I get to make jokes about which of the three people up there have the bigger packages? Cheryl Miller is explaining the voting process for determining the winner. This is a terrible idea by the way. Why does this American Idol society have to determine the winner for everything? Why can’t experts determine it?
2:12- I think that Kenny Smith is contractually obligated to repeat everything 4 times in a row. And it’s warranted after Dwight Howard’s tap off the glass dunk.
“He’s a video game. He’s not a real person. He’s a video game. I’ve only seen this stuff in a video…No, I haven’t even seen this in a video game.”- Kenny Smith
Kenny Smith is basically TNT’s version of Jim Rome. The more you repeat yourself over and over, the more people believe you.
The more you repeat yourself over and over, the more people believe you.
The more you repeat yourself over and over, the more people believe you.
The more you repeat yourself over and over, the more people believe you.
2:16- All right, you know what. I can’t do this anymore. I’m ending the diary now. This night took far too long. Howard just completed his second dunk and the competition is finally over. Magic Johnson is claiming that the Dunk Contest is back for the 23rd straight year. There’s a countdown to vote. If anyone votes for Gerald Green, they should be shot. Simple as that.
Prediction: Rudy Gay wins
Outcome: Dwight Howard wins
As far as tonight’s events, they weren’t disappointing; they were just lacking star power and drama. You have to equally blame TNT and the NBA for drawing this thing out way too far. The result of most of the events were good but had they happened in half the time, it would have been much more exciting. I know you have to pay the bills TNT, but you don’t need to have a commercial break every 5 to 8 minutes. People don’t have the attention spans anymore to follow something for two and a half hours when it should only last one hour at the most. It’s the same reason that young people will never appreciate an old movie like Gone With the Wind. At some point, people today just want you to get to the damn point and burn Atlanta down.
Wait a second; Darryl Dawkins is going to say something…
“Did I like it? Yes. I’ll be honest with you. We could leave right now. People shouldn’t even call. Because the guy I voted for had power and magistration. I took him, my vote is here, I’m sticking with him.”- Darryl Dawkins
I went up and down through dictionaries and thesaurus’ to find the word “magistration.” Word doesn’t identify it. Nobody I know has ever heard it before. Darryl Dawkins, the original shutdown king, has shut this evening down with his vocabulary. Now he and Cheryl Miller can go change the oil in her pickup truck and burp the alphabet.
All Star Weekend Running Diaries: Where Magistration Happens
Photo Courtesy of kval.com, detroitbadboys.com, usatoday.com, nba.com, nba.com, and cbsnews.com, respectively