And we’re live from Sacramento, California, for the debut of Kevin Garnett with the Boston Celtics in HD, otherwise known as the day a big piece of me died. The panel for tonights running diary is of course Talkhoops.net Writer Brandon Gallawa, Talkhoops.net’s resident cynic, Andy Eisner and myself. We’ve got one Running Diary under our belts from this year’s NBA Draft and figured we’d give it another go round. We’ve got plenty of beer (Michelob Ultra), In’n’Out, and Andy has a Lean Cuisine to top off his In’n’Out meal.
(By the way, I know that when some of you read Michelob Ultra, you probably thought to yourself, “Eww, that’s what they’re drinking?” Isn’t it funny how beer preference is judged harder than most anything else in people’s lives? It says a lot about a person in terms of what kind of beer they like. For instance if you’re drinking Natural Ice beer right now, I can almost guarantee that you’re a poor college student that isn’t 21 and is probably sharing a 24 pack with 6 other people in your college dorm. Don’t worry; I’ve been there too. If you’re drinking Guinness beer, you’re probably trying to impress the people around you with your “love” for Guinness even though you probably hate the taste and just want to look somewhat sophisticated as you dream of drinking an MGD right now. If you’re sitting there, drinking a Red Stripe beer, you probably thought it would be funny to buy some with your friends and joke about the transformation of going from ugly to beautiful just buy picking up the bottle. I can’t blame you; that’s hilarious. And if you’re drinking Coors Light beer, you’re probably white trash.)
Anyway, on we go. We’ve got a bit of a pre-game show going before the game starts. The in-studio panel is the insufferable Stuart Scott, the NBA legend Bill Walton, and the even more insufferable STEPHEN A. SMITH.
Pre-game:
-Bill Walton is talking about how he forced a trade to the Boston Celtics back in the 80’s. Mr. Walton’s “horse teeth” mesmerize Brandon Gallawa.
-We had this little exchange just now as ESPN talks about the parquet floor in Boston putting “Red Auerbach” on the court:
“Parquet floor?”- Andy
“They changed the name of the court to Red Auerbach Court.”- Brandon
“No, but what does parquet floor mean?”- Andy
“It’s the type of floor that they play on.”- Brandon
“I’ve never heard of that before.”- Andy
“Are you serious right now? You’re not allowed to watch basketball anymore.”- Brandon
“I’m not here for basketball analysis.”- Andy
“This is definitely making the diary by the way.”- Me
-As Stu Scott’s lazy eye sends us to commercial, we see shots of the two new Celtics, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett. KG is as always looking completely amped up for this game and has great intensity.
“Does KG want to fight somebody right now as they’re doing the Star Spangled Banner? It’s the most intense Star Spangled Banner ever right now.”- Brandon
“He’s so motivated right now. Nobody’s ever listened as hard right now as KG is listening to the Star Spangled Banner.”- Me
-ESPN is showing the introduction movie from the arena in Boston right now. It shows Kevin Garnett working out in Celtic green. It shows highlights of the big three of the team. The Talkhoops panel is amazed at the intensity that KG plays with, even in the pre-season. At the end Kevin Garnett screams much to the delight of the Boston faithful and sold out crowd. I might be forced to become a Celtics fan, only while KG is playing there. He’s been my favorite player for the past 12 years and seeing him like this with a new team is almost enough to make me bleed Celtic green for a couple of years.
“So we’ve got no Tommy Hiensohn (annoying Celtics’ color commentator) tonight?”- Brandon
“No, it’s not on local. Just ESPN.”- Me
“Well, let me give THAT a Tommy Point.”- Brandon referring to Tommy’s mind-numbing ritual of giving out “Tommy Points” for good Celtics’ plays.
-Kevin Garnett is announced to the crowd:
“You must be so angry right now.”- Brandon
“Fuck Kevin McHale. That’s all I have to say.”- Me
-I’m not going to type out the whole convo here, but I made a comment about how KG, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce are the best Hoop It Up team of all time. Andy disagrees and mentions a couple of players from our high school that he adored. Brandon yells something about none of the readers getting that because none of them know it. Which lead to this:
“You don’t need to print it; I’m just fucking talking here. I’m not on camera. Are you? I’m just talking. I’m just living.”- Andy
“Guess what? That just made the diary.”- Brandon
- Game’s about to start. We all make our predictions for how poorly Gilbert Arenas will shoot in this game after guaranteeing victory in his NBA.com blog.
Andy- 7 for 25 shooting
Brandon- 11 for 32 shooting
Me- 9 for 33 shooting.
The confidence for Gil coming through on predictions is at an all time high right now.
As far as predictions for KG:
Brandon- 32 points, 18 rebounds, 6 assists
Me- 24 points, 22 rebounds, 6 assists
Andy- No prediction
-Andy wonders what you’re supposed to do if KG does the pre-game hand clap of talcum powder into your face and you have dinner sitting at the table with you.
(By the way, I can't stand that LeBron James stole this from KG and acts like it's his thing. KG has been doing this pre-game ritual for 10+ years. He was original when he did it. He used to do it to every announcer in the league. Now, LeBron has stolen this because he's the most unoriginal player in the league. This makes me despise LeBron and his fake persona.)
-
A shot of Doc Rivers leads to this:
“Forget depth issues, there’s their handicap this year.”- Me
“Literally, he has a handicap.”- Brandon
“In Orlando, Darrell Armstrong used to walk him to practice on a leash.”- Me
(Keeping Doc from screwing up this team is going to be quite a task for the Big Three and Danny Ainge. There's no way he makes it past this season unless they win the East. And the only chance they have of winning the East is Flip Saunders being Flip Saunders in the Eastern Conference Finals.)
1st Quarter, 11:45 left-
Brendan Haywood fumbles a pass directly to his hands, recovers and is forced to call time out to stop the trap from two Celtics defenders.
“There’s a reason he’s on my Most Useless Players list.”- Me
1st Commercial break-
We inform Andy that the Bucks have their own “NBA: Where Amazing Happens” commercial. We think that they have them for every team.
“Even the 76ers have one?”- Andy
“Ya, they just show Barkley highlights.”- Brandon
“Where History Happens. Where We Were Good 20 Years Ago Happens.”- Me
“Where the Lottery Happens”- Brandon
- ESPN sideline reporter and reason to NOT have HD, Doris Burke-
“Mike, the Celtics team motto of the year- Imbutu. It’s a South African term, essentially meaning ‘finding ones own success in the concept of the large group.’”
“That’s what that ONE WORD means?”- Me. My ignorance knows no bounds.
1st Quarter, 10:55 left-
Hibachi misses his first shot. We all give out a “0 for 1” cry.
1st Quarter, 10:13 left-
“Brendan Haywood is a very good shotblocker.”- Jeff Van Gundy
“He’s not a very good shotblocker because he’s never averaged 2 per game in a season.”- Me
“He’s a very good nothing.”- Brandon
1st Quarter, 9:30 left, Boston 2, Washington 0-
Ball goes to DeShawn Stevenson.
“Here’s Mr. Statutory Rape.”- Me
“Who? Stevenson?”- Andy
“Ya, when he first came out of high school, he had sex with a 14 year old.”- Me
“He’s like your hero, Andy.”- Brandon
“Thanks, nobody’s going to understand that.”- Andy
1st Quarter, 9:13 left, Boston 4, Washington 0-
Ray Allen drives and dishes it to Kendrick Perkins for the first field goal of the game. By the way we’re three minutes in.
“Ray Ray with the assist. After Andy playing with him in 2k8, I didn’t know he could pass.”- Brandon
“I think the pass button gets disabled when Andy’s got the ball with him.”- Me
(When we play NBA 2k8, Andy is always the team with Ray Allen or the team with the most 3-point shooters, and he does nothing but shoot threes the whole time. Needless to say, we were shocked to see Ray Allen pass the ball.)
By the way, Eddie Jordan and Ray Allen are both sporting Kevin Ollie mustaches. And Rajon Rondo looks just like Bow Wow.
1st Quarter, 6:35 left, Boston 8, Washington 7-
Nothing of significance is happening in this putridly played game right now, but Andy is threatening to break out his Lean Cuisine.
“You can eat that and read your O Magazine, you woman.”- Me
“Read your Reader’s Digest”- Brandon
2nd Commercial Break-
We show Andy the Adidas Basketball is Brotherhood commercials that officially give me the chills. At the end, it says to text “KG” to the number that spells out ADIDAS. I decide that I will and incur the likely 10 dollars text message charge that accompanies it.
Andy hates everything that is Boston, Boston sports teams, and Boston fans. There’s no rhyme or reason to it; he just simply can’t stand it. As we come back from commercial break, there’s a montage about the Boston sports scene right now that includes the Celtics return to prominence, the Red Sox World Series win, the Patriots perfect record, and Boston College being #2 in the BCS at the time of this game.
“Ugh! I can’t stand this. It’s everywhere. Boston’s beach volleyball team is probably number 1 too.”- Andy
1st Quarter, 3:53 left, Boston 10, Washington 11-
“How influential was that 1998 NBA Draft? Jason Williams brought Showtime back to the NBA. Dirk Nowitzki was that great European player.”- Me
“Vince Carter brought back excitement to the dunk contest.”- Brandon
“Antawn Jamison paved the way for Joakim Noah to be the best transvestite in the NBA.”- Me
1st Quarter, 2:32 left, Boston 12, Washington 14-
Rajon Rondo tries a floater in the lane that misses BADLY.
“You are NOT Tony Parker.”- Brandon
“It was more like Parker Lewis Can’t Lose”- Me
:Sychronize our Swatches!”- Brandon
(I’m pretty sure, maybe 3 people got that 1990’s obscure TV show reference.)
1st Quarter, 1:20 left, Boston 16, Washington 16-
Ray Allen hits a short runner in the lane. Andy stares down Brandon and me as a ritual that he does whenever he hits a three-pointer in NBA 2k8.
“You’re going to stare us down with your Lean Cuisine in your lap?”- Me
“You should’ve bought me a Mike’s Hard Lemonade with it.”- Andy
“Why? Were they out of Smirnoff Ice?”- Me
“We should’ve gotten you some Vagisil.”- Brandon
Ray Allen hits a three next possession and Andy stares us down.
1st Quarter, 35 seconds left, Boston 21, Washington 18-
We’ve decided that Brian Scalabrine looks like actor Michael Rappaport in 30 lbs.
2nd Quarter, 11:31 left, Boston 24, Washington 18-
In the summer, Wizards F Andray Blatche was arrested for soliciting an undercover cop for sex in exchange for money. He’s the first NBA player not named AC Green that isn’t able to get sex, apparently. We have our first sighting of him in the game.
“When he gets tired, does he say, ‘Hey coach, how much for a blow?”- Me
“Is he soliciting cheerleaders to have sex for money?”- Me
“If he’s with DeShawn Stevenson, is he soliciting 14 year olds to have sex for money?”- Brandon
2nd Quarter, 10:30 left, Boston 27, Washington 22-
ESPN shows a replay of Tony Allen blowing out his knee after the whistle was blown and he still tried to dunk the ball for no reason.
“Coach Wooden would not be happy right now.”- Brandon
“He’s rolling over in his grave.”- Me in an attempt to piss off Andy who loves Coach Wooden in the same way that he hates Boston: no reason whatsoever; that’s just how it is. By the way, Coach Wooden is still alive and kicking.
2nd Quarter, 5:50 left, Boston 41, Washington 26-
Gilbert Arenas throws up his second air ball of the game. He’s 2 for 6, which is way below our predictions. He’s going to need one of those 4 minutes stretches where he puts up 13 shots for us to come close tonight.
2nd Quarter, 5:27 left, Boston 43, Washington 26-
It’s been established by the Talkhoops panel that Brian Scalabrine looks like the typical frat guy that is kind of muscular but has a huge stomach from building up a tolerance to Jagermeister and the date-rape drug.
KG annihilates a Brendan Haywood layup attempt.
2nd Quarter, 4:58 left, Boston 43, Washington 28-
DeShawn “the Statutory Rapist” Stevenson drives to the lane and gets the opportunity for the three-point play.
“Stevenson dominated that play like he tries to dominate 14 year old girls.”- Brandon
“I think the incident happened in Fresno, CA too.”- Me
“Where do you find 14 year old girls in Fresno?”- Andy
“In high school. What do you mean, where do you find them?”- Me
“At miniature golf courses.”- Brandon
“What’s he doing at a high school in Fresno? Why didn’t he stick out?”- Andy
“Because it’s Fresno! There are tons of 20 year olds still in high school. He blended right in.”- Me
2nd Quarter, 4:37 left, Boston 45, Washington 28-
Rajon Rondo hits a baseline jumper and we’re curious as to why Andy didn’t look over at us and give us the stare down.
“Sorry, I was looking at Dick Bavetta. I think he got a boob job this summer.”- Andy
Sometime towards the end of the 2nd Quarter-
This is just a forgettable game at this point. I really wish they had been playing Detroit or a team from the Western Conference. The Wizards can’t stop anybody. It’s like they have 5 Antoine Walkers out there with 5 Troy Hudsons to back him up.
On a bright note, Kevin Garnett called me during this game. Impossible you ask? Well, you forget that I incurred a $300 text message charge for texting “KG” to ADIDAS. I didn’t know the number so I didn’t answer as per usual and he left me a voicemail. It’s probably assumed that I’m never deleting that off of my phone. Yep, I’m holding onto THAT LITTLE right now as a Wolves fan.
Halftime Score: Boston 58, Washington 36
- Stuart Scott just said that Celtics were the “bomb-diggity.”
“Is there anyone that likes Stuart Scott?”- Brandon
“Poetry Jam fans.”- Andy This is what he’s talking about.
(Stu is absolutely unwatchable at this point. Does anybody actually like his tired act? We get it. You're announce and talk like you're with your boys. Well, guess what? You're not with your boys! You're with America and America hates you.)
- “This team need to come out…”- STEPHEN A. SMITH
“This team NEED to? NEED to? He’s a journalist! He had to graduate college!”- Me
(This reminds me of an incident about a month ago on ESPN radio. Stephen A. was interviewing Chris Rock. He actually asked Chrs, “So where you be touring right now?” Where you BE touring? Remember that this guy is a journalist. He has a degree. Speaking like this should be enough to cost him his job. That’s absurd.)
- It’s halftime and they ask Bill Walton about famous announcer Johnny Most being a real Celtic. That leads to this awkward story by Bill Walton.
“Johnny Most wasn’t in the best of health and we were on a road trip, waiting for our bags. So Johnny walks over to try to rent a car and he has his STROKE ARM hanging down. He can’t talk and his eye is closed. The rent-a-car lady is saying that they can’t rent him a car and Johnny is pounding on the table, ‘I want my rent-a-car now!’ It was so much fun.”- Bill Walton
His stroke arm?!?! Who the hell does Bill Walton think he is talking so casually about Johnny Most’s stroke arm on national television? This is one of the most awkward moments I’ve ever seen on television. Phenominal.
- On PTI last week, the Cavs were 0-1 after a terrible opener against the Mavericks and they asked if the Cavs should be worried right now.
“It’s so reactionary all the time.”- Brandon
“ESPN: Where Reactionary Happens”- Andy
3rd Quarter About to Start
Jeff Van Gundy is giving some alleged expert analysis to Mike Breen.
“Jeff Van Gundy needs a nap.”- Andy
“He always needs a nap.”- Brandon
<after a couple of beats>
“Jeff Van Droopy”- Me
- Here’s how exciting this game is right now. We’re talking video games. Andy is talking trash about Ray Allen putting up ungodly numbers in 2k8. Brandon is talking about the time he dropped 113 on Andy with Michael Redd. Andy claims that it was in 2k7 so it doesn’t count. He’s only talking 2k8 with us. He mentions NBA Live 95.
“I tried to get a triple double with Derrick Coleman one time and Andy kept fouling me so I couldn’t get the assists. I was so mad. I think I actually left his house, I was so mad.”- Me I used to always try to get triple doubles with Derrick Coleman. It was an obsession. By the way, I’m 25 years old.
3rd Quarter, 10:37 left, Boston 61, Washington 36-
“We haven’t seen much of Andray Blatche tonight.”- Brandon
“He probably got arrested at halftime for soliciting a security guard.”- Me
3rd Quarter, 9:32 left, Boston 62, Washington 36-
“Kendrick Perkins has no upper lip. He looks like Aries Spears.”- Brandon
3rd Quarter, 8:22 left, Boston 63, Washington 40-
“If you’re Washington right now, how do you go about getting back in this game?”- Mike Breen to Jeff Van Droopy
“How do you get back in the game? Go play the Celtics of last year.”- Me
- Gilbert Arenas is struggling right now. Badly. He’s about 2 for 13 at this point and Andy looks like he may nail the prediction.
“The NBA: Where Bad Shot Selection Happens”- Brandon
“Where Shooting Your Team Out of It Happens”- Me
“Do you think Gilbert at halftime, logged into the website and deleted the blog (where he predicted a win over Boston)?”- Andy
3rd Quarter, 4:17 left, Boston 71, Washington 49-
Sideline reporter, Doris Burke, attempts to make a joke about Doc Rivers hiding what he’s saying to his team even though Bill Belichick isn’t around.
Okay, I know this is ESPN and they have to have 24 hours news coverage, which in turn means that they have to beat every story to death. But this happened 8 weeks ago, when the whole Belichick got busted for cheating on the sidelines. If you HAVE to still mention it during a Pats game, whatever, I can deal with that. But if you are mentioning it during Celtics’ games, that’s just going to drive me crazy.
3rd Quarter, 3:20 left, Boston 72, Washington 51-
Brendan Haywood is underneath the basket and somehow fumbles the ball out of bounds for no reason in particular.
“Apparently, Johan Petro is wearing a Brendan Haywood costume.”- Me
“Don’t throw it to StoneHands! That’s good Necessary Roughness knowledge.”- Brandon
3rd Quarter, 13 seconds left, Boston 78, Washington 54-
We see the Red Sox in a suite at the arena. Andy is furious at all of the Red Sox talk because he can’t stand Boston so much.
“Oh, free clam chowder if the Celts score 120!”- Andy
End of the 3rd Quarter, Boston 79, Washington 57, Gilbert 3-15
4th Quarter, 10:40 left, Boston 79, Washington 63
Brown Bear, my 12 weeks old Chocolate Lab has just made an appearance for the first time in the second half. It’s easily the most exciting moment of this second half.
He’s almost spilled Andy’s beer and chewed on my laptop in a matter of 1 minute. He’s more productive than Gilbert Arenas right now. It’s time to take him outside.
4th Quarter, 8:02 left, Boston 86, Washington 68-
“Brian Scalabrine is running like it’s an intramurals game.”- Brandon
“Hey bro, we’re gonna play some frolf, some Frisbee golf after the game. You down, bro?”- Brandon imitating Brian Scalabrine.
“Ya, we got a case of Natty Ice!”- Me
There’s actually a lot of this going on right now, imitating Scalabrine. This was a terrible game to do this.
We’re actually trying to figure out what Kevin Garnett’s practice stats are on average. We’re guessing 45 points, 30 rebounds.
4th Quarter, 5:43 left, Boston 90, Washington 72-
Gil is 5-19 shooting. I need a 4 for 14 run in the last 5 minutes for him to reach my prediction. Knowing Gil’s love for scoring; I like my chances.
By the way, Gil is donating 200 dollars to a charity for every point he scores this season.
“He’s going to have to write a check for only $5000 for the season at this rate.”- Andy
4th Quarter, 2:30 left, Boston 98, Washington 75-
Garnett and Pierce check out of the game. This game is officially over. Now Eddie House is in the game for garbage time and we’re predicting that he puts up at least 10 shots in this time period.
4th Quarter, 55 seconds left, Boston 103, Washington 81-
Andray Blatche is leading a fast break.
“Andray Blatche is going all the way on this break. And he paid 60 bucks to do so.”- Me
The game is mercifully finished. It was one of the worst games I’ve watched in a long time. I saw Summer League games with more inspiring play than this. The final score was 103-83 as Boston got an easy win. The game wasn’t even that close. Gilbert Arenas finished 5 for 20 shooting, leaving Andy with the closest prediction. Kevin Garnett finished with 22 points, 20 rebounds, and 5 assists leaving me with the closest prediction for him. This game was hyped for obvious reasons. It was the beginning of a new era for Celtics’ basketball. The Celtics’ franchise, the most storied franchise in all of the NBA, is finally back in the mix and this was the first step towards them going for a championship. Too bad the game didn’t live up to the hype.
Photos Courtesy of suzannemcdonough.com and espn.com, respectively