The playoffs are over. The NBA Draft has come and gone, and now the only basketball action we have to look forward to is the Summer Olympics where the U.S. Mens’ Basketball Team (We refuse to call them the Dream Team again until they win Gold) will hopefully reclaim their status as Ass-kicker of Argentina.

Summertime is in full swing. For kids it means that it’s time to put on bathing suits and work on that pasty complexion. For parents it’s time to…well, work some more and curse the previously mentioned children who stand in the streets in delight. And for NBA General Managers (who border between parent and child at times…Mark Cuban) it means that it’s time for the free agent season to begin.

Money isn’t burning through the holes of many GMs’ pockets anymore. (See Elgin Baylor 2006 edition) Thirteen teams are above the salary cap and only seven have a chance at going the mid-level exception route. That means it’s going to be a touch time for players looking to cash in, and the days of GMs acting like donkeys and giving away their star players are over for now. Cough…Kevin McHale…cough…Chris Wallace. Excuse me.

While there may not be the potential to grab a standout like the 2009 class (Shawn Marion, Carlos Boozer), it doesn’t mean your team can’t grab a difference maker. But buyer beware, for every Shaquille O’ Neal or Steve Nash signing there is a Jon Koncak or Grant Hill to Orlando signing. (Seriously, for a while the guy was as brittle as Samuel L. Jackson in “Unbreakable.”)

In fact, it’s equally important to note how rare it is for a premiere player to switch teams in the free agency period, one per season on average in the past decade. While Tracy McGrady, Gilbert Arenas, and others have topped the headlines with their moves the only two All-Star calibers in free agency to make a switch since 2000 and win a championship afterward are Shaquille O’Neal and Chauncey Billups. So Clippers fan don’t get your hopes up. If the Nash signing didn’t bring a championship to Phoenix then that Daniel Gibson signing the Clips inevitably will make probably won’t put you over the top either.

Note that most stud players in this free agent class are restricted free agents so their respective teams they currently are on can match any contract another team offers.

Here’s a breakdown by conference of each team’s current free agent situation and their current roster situation. (The truth is that everyone is saving up for the 2009 and 2010 class, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun analyzing this one, right?)

(A humorous amount of props go out to free agent Courtney Sims, who shares the same name as a girl I dated in high school. Oddly enough my version played the post also on our school’s womens’ basketball team. I’d put up money she could do better than the NBA version, who averaged 0 points and less than a rebound a game. He will not be on our top 25 list.)


Northwest Division

Seattle Supersonics
Unrestricted FA: Ronald Dupree, Francisco Elson, Mickael Gelabale
Restricted FA: Robert Swift

What They Should Do: Nobody on Seattle’s free agent list really stands out, that is unless you want to go back to 2003-2004 when Francisco Elson had one of the funniest quotes as he accused Kevin Garnett of trying to “touch him in his private parts.” The team’s young and would be better served waiting a year or two before taking a plunge into the pool.

I always wanted to check out Seattle, which is known as one of the most beautiful cities in the nation, and a Supersonics game would have been money to hit up. It’s a shame that the Sonics are leaving. Oklahoma City will be better for it. Trust me, I met a few girls from Oklahoma City over Spring Break. It’s the Sonics or goat breeding. Not kidding.


Portland Trailblazers
Unrestricted FA: James Jones
Restricted FA: Von Wafer

What They Should Do: The Trailblazers’ only real weakness is at small forward. There’s not a lot for them to grab in the free agent pool. But don’t cry for them, Argentina. Next year they will trick the Grizzlies into giving up 3 first round picks and the keys to Graceland for Raef LaFrentz’s contract. How the hell is that guy making 12 million a year? That’s nearly 3 times the contract of Greg Oden. Sigh.


Minnesota Timberwolves
Unrestricted FA: Michael Doleac, Sebastian Telfair, Kirk Snyder
Restricted FA: Ryan Gomes, Craig Smith, Chris Richard

What They Should Do: Minnesota made a qualifying offer, a smart move for a guy who was getting you 12 points and 6 rebounds a game at a 790,000 dollar clip. And you just know McHale is going to lock up Telfair and Doleac to long term deal.

The perfect place for Doleac would be to go back to Utah and resurrect both his and Alex Smith’s career. It has to happen.


Denver Nuggets
Unrestricted FA: Anthony Carter, Yahkouba Diawara, Eduardo Najera
Restricted FA: J.R. Smith

What They Should Do: Denver can’t do anything to fix this team at this point. It’s that simple. Other than a trade (Nene?) If you want to keep J.R. Smith as a Nugget it is just asking for a sequel to the “Stop Snitching” video. It may be time for the Denver higher ups to admit the AI-Melo connection isn’t going to work.


Utah Jazz
Unrestricted FA: None
Restricted FA: CJ Miles

What They Should Do: The Jazz locked Milsap up, a great decision, and they really are set to make some noise next season. I still hate them. I just can’t justify any team that had a guy, John Stockton, that wore shorts that exposed me to the male anatomy more than when I took showers after football practice. They should put the two finger rule into effect like they did in high school for girls. If your shorts are higher than two finger lengths above your knees then you have to change. Or better yet, just hold up John Stockton’s card and say “If you look like this get your ass in the gym and change immediately.”

Pacific Division


Los Angeles Lakers
Unrestricted FA: Ira Newble, Coby Karl
Restricted FA: DJ Mbenga, Ronny Turiaf, Sasha Vujacic

What They Should Do: Lakers, don’t be afraid to get a backup for Kobe. Just an idea. I think Turiaf is going to go somewhere else. Seattle maybe so he can retrace his Gonzaga roots? I hate “The Machine” but signing Vujacic would be a solid option.

Think the Black Mamba is as excited about next season as he was when the NBA Finals started? Probably not. You know he is regretting the “Fuck Andrew Bynum” comments. At least we can go back to the Kobe is a dick era. Did anyone outside of L.A. buy his “I love Harry Potter” attitude?

Golden State Warriors
Unrestricted FA: Matt Barnes, Austin Croshere, Patrick O'Bryant, Mickael Pietrus
Restricted FA: Kelenna Azubuike, Monta Ellis, Andris Biedrins

What They Should Do: I originally thought it would be difficult for the Warriors to sign Barnes, Ellis, and Biedrins all this offseason. But once they lose Baron Davis, as they very well may, they can sign the whole lot of them. And then go back to their comfortable confines of the lottery. Is it too late to draft the third Brandan Wright? Wasn’t Anthony Randolph enough?

Any chance for the Warriors to be a contender next year comes down to this: SIGN BARON DAVIS. Unless you think Stephen Jackson is your savior. You’re not that dumb are you, Golden State? Golden State?

Phoenix Suns
Unrestricted FA: Gordan Giricek, Linton Johnson, Sean Marks, Eric Piatkowski, Brian Skinner
Restricted FA: None

What They Should Do: It is time to re-evaluate trading everyone off the team in hopes of a quick fix. Grant Hill will come back. Who else is he going to go to? Detroit would be a lovefest for him but he fits better here.

Once Steve Nash retires or breaks his ankle to end his career it is only time before the Suns hit up the lottery. That may be a good thing. They are in the financial dumps after picking up Shaq-Schnickens.

Sacramento Kings
Unrestricted FA: Beno Udrih, Anthony Johnson, Lorenzen Wright
Restricted FA: None

What They Should Do: So apparently the Kings are looking to discuss trade talks for Ron Artest. WHAT? A Ron Artest trade? Tell me it’s not true. Next you’re going to tell me that Paris Hilton likes to put things in her mouth, aren’t you? Isn’t it kind of sad that this is your best player, Kings fan?

Trade Artest and Brad Miller, get a SOLID player, and change the name of the town newspaper. The Sacramento Bee?

I like Udrih. But I think you have to find a way to get Jason Williams back. This team reminds me of a bunch of my friends who have problems with financial aid. They have too much talent to be a lottery team but have too much money to actually get any help elsewhere. Can we go back to 2002 when they didn’t suck?

Los Angeles Clippers
Unrestricted FA: Elton Brand, Corey Maggette, Dan Dickau, Smush Parker, Quinton Ross
Restricted FA: Paul Davis, Nick Fazekas, Shaun Livingston, Marcus Williams

What They Should Do:  Clippers fan, there is hope! If you can pull off a coup and land Baron Davis you will have Elton Brand, Thornton, Chris “Hulk Hogan” Kaman, the Baron, and Eric Gordon, the man with the nicest jumper in at least 5 years. But you’re going to have to give up Maggette to get him. To hell with it, you have nothing to lose.
Can we try and get Baron Davis on every team in California before he retires? That would be amazing…but then the Lakers would win a championship.

Give up on Shaun Livingston. It’s over. And I am pretty sure paying Dan Dickau is the Clippers way of sending money to a former New Orleans athlete. See, the NBA cares. Seriously, how many freaking Gonzaga players are there in the league? They’re up there with Duke and UConn for most stars who bombed in the NBA.

Southwest Division

San Antonio Spurs
Unrestricted FA: Brent Barry, Michael Finley, Robert Horry, DerMarr Johnson, Damon Stoudamire, Kurt Thomas
Restricted FA: None

What They Should Do: The Spurs need to let all these guys, aside from Kurt Thomas, go. Is there a more overrated player than Robert Horry? The fact that anyone is saying this guy is a Hall of Famer makes me laugh more than when my cousin got peed on in a game of Hide N’ Go seek.

This free agent list reads like a Who’s Who of solid players…in 2000. Can we get Conan O’Brien in here?

Houston Rockets
Unrestricted FA: Dikembe Mutombo, Chuck Hayes
Restricted FA: Carl Landry

What They Should Do: My cousin, Greg, nearly pissed himself when he saw that Baron Davis was opting out. “He’s gotta come to Houston!” Umm, not happening. And I don’t blame him. While a point guard would finally put the Rockets in the title talks, there is no way you can trust McGrady and Yao to stay healthy long enough to make it happen.

Steve Novak is a nice bench player and you have to sign Mutombo. The man has the treasure map that leads to the fountain of youth, I know it. Carl Landry is a must sign. He is a high energy 2nd round steal. Trust me, if you haven’t seen him yet, go to Youtube and watch him.

New Orleans Hornets
Unrestricted FA: Chris Anderson, Ryan Bowen, Jannero Pargo, Bonzi Wells
Restricted FA: None

What They Should Do: Jannero Pargo stands out as the guy the Hornets need to keep. But everyone knew he was missing that 3 when he took it in Game 7 versus the Spurs. Just saying.

If the Hornets can get the Birdman back on the team then they will officially have the most entertaining team in basketball. But Chris Paul, I beg you, please don’t pull any crystal meth in the Gatorade bottle pranks.

Dallas Mavericks
Unrestricted FA: Malik Allen, Devean George, Juwan Howard, Tyronn Lue, Jamaal Magloire, Antoine Wright
Restricted FA: Jose Juan Barea

What They Should: Is there a center in the house? Anybody? The Mavs need size. Ever since Dirk grew female anatomy and quit going to the basket ,after playing the Warriors in 2005, the Mavericks have been desperate for inside scoring.

Leave it to a Free Agent list to take you back to the good old days. Where’s Casey Kasem when I need him? “This one goes out to Sarah, who sends a dedication to Pookie in jail. Sarah met Pookie during the 2001 NBA Finals, where Tyronn Lue locked up a contract with the Wizards by defending AI. Pookie shanked the woman at the bar a few minutes later. Anyway, here’s “Love Song” by the Cardigans.

Memphis Grizzlies
Unrestricted FA: Kwame Brown, Casey Jacobsen
Restriced FA: Andre Brown

What They Should Do:  Dear god, did I really just see Casey Jacobsen’s name? Wow. It is time to end the list. Seriously.

Chris Wallace, I DARE you to sign Kwame Brown to a long term deal. Then trade O.J. Mayo back to Minnesota. Seal your destiny. Then Memphis can finally move to Seattle.

Click Here for Eastern Conference Needs - Click Here for Top 20 Free Agents


Submit Your Comments About This Article