4:30: And we’re live from New York City at the BEAUTIFUL Madison Square Garden. Our television panel consists of Mike Tirico, Mark Jackson, the famous Mark Jackson Shimmy, STEPHEN A. SMITH, and Jay Bilas. Our panel at home in Sacramento will be talkhoops.net writer Brandon, myself, and our cynical friend, Andy, who is pretty much sick of the NBA and all sports media. Good to be here.
We’ve got cheese doodles thanks to this clip.
4:32: David Stern announces the breaking news that Portland is on the clock with the first pick. Thanks for the news bulletin Mr. Stern.
4:34: Portland is still on the clock and apparently needs an extra 5 minutes from the past 5 weeks that they previously had. Greg Oden’s grandpa is there… no wait, that’s actually Greg.
4:35: Jay Bilas has already started to ramble. Apparently Greg Oden has character.
Andy- “So did Ricky Williams in college.”
4:36: STEPHEN A. SMITH IS TALKING VERY FORCEFULLY AND MATTER OF FACT RIGHT NOW.
4:37: #1 Pick is surprise surprise, Greg Oden.
Brandon- “Otherwise known as NBA Championships for the next 10 years.”
4:38: Brandon has officially given Greg Oden the nickname, Hightower from Police Academy.
Brandon- “Uh oh, he’s already walking like he has a bad knee.”
This is by far the right way to go and anyone that thinks Durant will end up having a more positive affect on his team for the next 15 years than Hightower is more impressed with youtube clips than Spurs championships.
Kevin Pritchard via video teleconferencing is holding up a #52 Greg Oden jersey. 52? In honor of Buck Williams?
4:39: STEPHEN A. SMITH CONCURS THAT HIGHTOWER IS A GOOD PICK. Thanks for the insight Stephen.
4:41: Andy- “Oden’s mom is actually younger than him.”
4:42: Ray Allen has been dealt to the Celtics, which has huge ramifications for our group with NBA 2k7. Andy is always the Sonics and literally just shoots 3’s the whole game with them. His goal is two play decent defense and get up 100 3-point attempts in our 7-minute quarter games. He’s never out of it and losing Ray Ray definitely has Brandon and I giddy.
By the way, what the hell is Danny Ainge thinking? How old is Ray Allen? Are his ankles even stable? Will Paul Pierce share the ball after years of being happy not giving it to Antoine Walker anymore?
4:43: Seattle selects Kevin Durant much to everyone’s surprise. That led to this exchange.
Andy- “He’s got that Bassy (Sebastian Telfair) face.”
Me- “Does that mean he’s carrying a gun?”
Brandon- “Or an STD.”
Now don't get me wrong, I think Kevin Durant is a great player. But I don't see him dominating the way Michael Jordan did. I see him with a T-Mac affect because scoring 30 points per game just isn't the same anymore. What would Jordan have averaged with the way rules are today? 55? 72?
4:43: Jay Bilas tries to crack his first joke and Stephen A. does not look happy.
4:46: Stu Scott lets us know that Kevin Durant thinks Beyonce is hot. Really Stu? A young black guy has the hots for Beyonce? Never would’ve guessed.
4:48: Al Horford is the pick at #3 and we get our first shot of Joakim Noah. WOW. The in-house panel is floored at his dress attire. We settled on him looking like Farnsworth Bentley and Juwanna Mann’s love child.
Horford was the right pick here. They can still address their point guard issue with a trade or pick at #11. Billy Knight either had a labotomy or Dominique Wilkins snuck into the Hawks' war room.
4:49: We find out that Horford is Dominican and we get a shot of his dad. Andy is convinced that it is Ruben Patterson and not his dad.
4:50: Jay Bilas has a new attribute- rebounding appetite.
Insert your own Glen Davis joke here.
4:52: SAS (Stephen A. Smith) doesn’t like the pick and thinks it should have been a point guard. Mark Jackson disagrees and dominates SAS’ point. SAS doesn’t seem like his boisterous self tonight.
And you know what? Mark is right. Why take Mike Conley so early when you can get a beast of an inside presence? Isn't the rule never trade a big guy for a small?
4:53: Memphis takes Michael Conley out of THE Ohio State University. In-house panel loves the lengthening of his name to Michael. We also notice that Michael has borrowed Kevin Ollie’s mustache for tonight’s event.
4:55: Brandon comes up with the idea of auctioning off a green room table for the draft. We definitely would be sitting with Noah. Seriously though, Noah looks like a transvestite. I don't want to be mean about it, but he does. Eddie Murphy may try to solicit him soon.
4:56: Michael Conley Sr. could dunk from the free throw line back in his day. Isiah Thomas just offered him $60 million.
4:58: Brandon is convinced that Flo Jo has come back from the dead to be Jeff Green’s mom tonight.
By the way, Jeff Green’s mom doesn’t have the same last name as him. This is a noticeable trend with NBA players and we may start a running tally.
5:02: We see an NBDL commercial with Gerry McNamara highlights. We had no idea he was in the D and we’ll now be following the D League.
5:04: Milwaukee selects Yi Jianlin and he along with the Chinese Government is NOT happy. There's no way Yi plays one minute in a Bucks' uniform, right? The Chinese Government won't let him. They want him in L.A. so he can go to more Shrek movie premieres. I could see Elgin Baylor offering Elton Brand for Yi and future second rounder, followed by Bucks' GM Larry Harris feeling bad about even considering ripping off Elgin that badly.
5:09: Andy is happy that Yi is not as ugly as Yao. “They’re getting better.”
5:10: SAS is noticeably subdued right now. It’s either Mark Jackson’s presence or Sean Williams gave him some weed. Mark Jackson should be shimmying after every comment.
5:11: Minnesota is on the clock.
Brandon- “I can’t wait for KG kills everyone night.”
Andy referencing controversial quotes KG made years ago- “I’m packing up the uzi’s, grenade launchers, machine guns…”
5:11: Wolves select … Corey Brewer? Really? Kevin McHale must be asleep. Juwanna Noah gets some more airtime and Corey Brewer is smiling like Eddie Murphy in Coming to America.
Brandon- “You want Queens? We go to Queens!”
5:13: Brandon- “His mom is a Muppet.”
Andy- “Same last name though. Impressive.”
5:19: My new Bobcats select Brandon Wright. I’m pissed. Jay Bilas makes a Chris Bosh reference, which is a damn lie. Why take guys that didn't try hard in college? How did Kenyon Martin work out for everybody? What about Danny Fortson? I'm shocked that Brandan Wright isn't from the U of Cincinnati.
5:22: Andy- “I like his wingspan.”
Me- “It’s for when he’s reaching the top shelf at a grocery store which will be his job in 5 years.”
5:23: We’ve got our first Bulls’ fans in the crowd holding up a “Thanks Isiah” sign. Spike Lee is pissed.
5:24: SAS thinks Chicago needs a POST PRESENCE. He also just called Tyrus Thomas, “Tyus.”
5:26: Bulls take the star of Juwanna Mann 2. And he’s crying.
Me- “He could be menstruating.”
Brandon- “I think I have a pillow case with the same pattern as his jacket. He looks like a member of Bone Thugs N’ Harmony.”
You'd think he was just selected to go #1 in the WNBA draft. Maybe that's where he thinks he is. By the way, does anybody know how long a WNBA season is? 40 games? 35? I could probably guess the amount of NHL games there are in a season before the WNBA and I'd be shocked if more than 8 people knew also.
5:28: Hightower looks older than Noah’s grandpa.
We find out that Noah’s shampoo of choice is a New York based one called Bumble and Bubble shampoo.
Brandon- “You sure it isn’t herbal essences for her?”
Andy- “I use that, dude.”
5:32: Kings select a less athletic Brad Miller, aka Spencer Hawes. Resident Kings’ fan Brandon is pissed. My position on this guy has been very clear. In a league that is heading toward a fast pace tempo, why would a slow, unathletic center be a lottery pick?
I think it's very clear what SAS thinks of this pick. If Hawes was black, he'd be angry he didn't go third in the draft. Hell, if he was black, I'd be mad about that too.
5:35: Spencer has a lisp, which leads Brandon to quoting Cable Guy: “I never made a slam dunk before. Thankssss for the boosssssst.”
Brandon- “The only good thing about this pick is NOTHING.”
5:38: SAS hates the Noah pick but wants a HIGH ENERGY GUY. He’s actually screaming about nothing.
5:39: Hawks take Acie Law, which leads to Brandon making a bold Hawks’ division title statement. Andy is happy to take that bet.
I love the pick. I really see Acie Law being that Sam Cassell type that no one appreciates for 12 years until he starts to break down and everyone reviews what he's done. He'll be a winner.
5:40: Mark Jackson- “We’ll no longer be seeing a midget running the Hawks.”
Ernie Banks is apparently Acie’s great uncle.
Brandon- “That means he won’t win anything.”
5:44: Thaddeus Young gets the selection at 12.
Brandon- “Did Al Thornton get arrested for rape or something? How is he still on the board?”
Me- “If he gets selected by the Cincinnati Bengals, we’ll know.”
5:55: It has been discovered that we’ll need possibly pillows and sleeping bags for Brandon’s bachelor party this weekend.
Andy- “I’m bringing Noah’s jacket for my pillow.”
5:56: By the way, Julian Wright went #13 to New Orleans. He apparently does a SAS impression but is afraid to do it and offend SAS himself. SAS is just happy to know he has one fan.
5:59: Stern’s voice cracks as he announces the Thornton pick to the Clippers.
6:01: We find it odd that the Hawks new red white and blue uniforms are American flag colors when Atlanta was the capital of the South seceding from the North.
My girlfriend, Val, makes an appearance- “Why not Confederate flag uniforms?”
6:03: Thornton’s mom Philomenia has the same last name.
Brandon- “That sounds like some kind of disease.”
We’re all shocked that the ESPYs still happen every year.
6:06: It’s been confirmed here in-house that Corey Brewer looks just like Charlie Murphy when he smiles.
6:08:Stu Scott- “So Who is Rodney Stuckey?”
Rodney- “That’s me.”
6:11: Nick Young is selected and is wearing a white jacket and black pants.
Brandon- “Maybe he’s bussing the tables.”
Andy- “Maybe he spilled on his other pants.”
Nick Young looks a lot like Nick Cannon and SAS is finally yelling.
6:13: Nick’s mic isn’t working so Stu Scott leans in to make things more comfortable. Mr. Young is also missing a tooth.
6:14: Andy- “Mike Tirico’s front hair patch needs to go.”
6:15: Knicks trade is announced and Isiah finally has made a good trade for his team. It only took him 4 years.
SAS is screaming about how bad this trade is for Portland. We believe someone may have stolen his cheese doodles.
6:22: While talking about Sean Williams’ weed problems, they show his player profile which shows that he must improve: maturity.
Brandon- “Must improve: Drug Habit.”
6:23: Matt Barnes pic shown. A few weeks ago, out in a Sacramento suburb, we saw Matt Barnes right next to us at a bar. I had a little too much to drink and my friend Kristin and I took a picture with him. I immediately regretted it and realized what a tool I was. My friends have never let me live this down since. Needless to say, a joke is made at my expense here.
6:24: Marco Bellineli celebrates his selection by kissing his girlfriend and as he passes her, he slaps her on the ass. Italians just went up in my book.
6:25: Lakers are on the clock, which can mean only one thing: Jim Gray is reporting from inside Kobe’s ass right now.
6:28: SAS is ranting about the ramifications of a Kobe trade. Apparently it would take decades to recover and Phil Jackson will go bike riding in Montana.
6:31: Dicky V and SAS are in a shouting match. My mute button may make an appearance; otherwise my home theater system may blow up. They make a dinner bet about the strength of this draft compared to 2003.
Brandon as SAS- “I WOULD LIKE MY STEAK RARE.”
Me as Dicky V- “I THINK I’LL GO WITH THE FISH BABY!”
Brandon as SAS- “WHAT KIND OF SOUP DO YOU HAVE?”
Me as Dicky V- “YOU GOT TO GO WITH THE CHOWDER BABY!”
Me as SAS- “I NEED MORE BREAD! I WOULD LIKE WHEAT BREAD BECAUSE I HATE WHITE THINGS!”
Brandon as SAS- “I’LL HAVE THE BLACKENED CHICKEN!”
Andy steps in- “All pepper, no salt.”
6:34: Miami takes Jason Smith and Jay Bilas has officially called every pick so far a terrific talent.
6:40: Been confirmed by the in-house panel that today is a bizarro-NBA draft day. Kevin McHale made a good draft pick. Isiah Thomas made a good trade for his team. SAS is not really yelling all that much. Geoff Petrie shit the bed on his selection. What is going on right now?
6:41: Mark Jackson has flat out dominated SAS today.
6:47: Mark Jackson is blinking a lot. We think he may have cheese doodle dust in his eye.
6:51: Charlotte takes Jared Dudley and we learn that he must improve his foot speed.
Brandon- “By the way, he’s a small forward.”
6:56: Wilson Chandler, the newest Knick aka the brother from DePaul (Spike Lee quote), is being interviewed by Stu Scott. Stu is flat our flirting with him.
6:59: Phoenix takes Rudy Fernandez.
Me- “He looks like Ben Affleck’s retarded brother.”
Brandon- “You mean Casey Affleck?”
7:02: Morris Almond goes to Utah. He is also borrowing Kevin Ollie’s mustache.
7:05: Houston takes Aaron Brooks. They know it’s the first round, right? Andy of course loves his shooting range and only knows it from the highlight video they show.
ESPN Poll question- Was Brooks taken too high?
Me- “Ya about 30 picks too high.”
Brandon- “Ya about 2 rounds too high.”
7:09: Andy has decided he’s benching Kevin Durant in 2k8. He loves a challenge.
7:14: Aaron Afflalo must improve his athleticism.
Me- “How? You either are or you aren’t athletic. Just ask Spencer Hawes.”
Brandon is not happy I said that.
7:32: Dicky V. is like Ricky Bobby in an interview. He doesn’t know where to put his hands. And now he’s throwing papers like it’s Around the Horn.
7:37: Philly takes Finnish point guard, Petteri Koponen, which leads to our bad Finnish accent.
I think mine is actually Chinese and not Finnish.
So that wraps it up for the first annual talkhoops.net running diary of the NBA draft. Weird night. The Hawks drafted correctly. Kevin McHale didn’t screw it up. Isiah Thomas helped his team with a trade. Geoff Petrie decided to take a dump on all Kings’ fans with his pick of Spencer Hawes. And Stephen A. Smith hardly yelled at all when Dicky V. wasn’t involved.
But like all drafts there were two constants: 1) college players realized their dreams of being in the NBA, and 2) Stephen A. Smith still hates white people.