The third game of the Talkhoops.net Announcer’s Critiques happened to be the November 14th game between the Knicks and the Clippers at the Staples Center. To say that it was a good game to watch wouldn’t exactly be the truth. In fact, it was almost the opposite. We were watching a game between an injury riddled team (Clippers) and a team mired in juvenile and pathetic controversy (Knicks). The Knicks were fresh off of a Phoenix game in which Stephon Marbury had left the team because he was no longer in the starting lineup due to poor defensive effort. He was allowed to come back to the team after forfeiting a game paycheck and this was his first game back. It was a cold shoulder that most of his teammates gave him while sitting on the bench (he didn’t start the game).
As far as the game itself, it wasn’t the best game I’ve ever seen. Both teams struggled to score and it wasn’t because of a great defensive scheme or effort. Both teams missed a lot of open shots and a lot of easy buckets down low couldn’t find their way in. The Clippers won 84-81 and neither team was able to shoot at least 37% from the field. The Knicks were 1-13 from three-point range and the Clippers were a blistering 5-20. Only 3 players (Chris Kaman, Zach Randolph, and Eddy Curry) scored 14 points or more and neither of them got more than 16. The Knicks had 14 assists as a team for the whole game.
In case, you couldn’t tell, this was a terrible game. It was boring for most of the game due to the inept play. The announcers kept harping on the Marbury saga due to the fact that there wasn’t much worth talking about in the game. With that said, here’s how Ralph Lawler (Play-by-Play Announcer), Mike Smith (Color Commentator), and Lindsay Soto (Sideline Reporter) scored:
Nicknames- Zach Harper: 3; Brandon Gallawa: 3
Zach Harper- These guys were pretty bad with the name game. A lot of Cats (Cuttino Mobley), Cuttinos, Sams, Chris’, and Tims were spoken by both guys. I felt like they were naming off a list of guys that they worked with in an office. The only proper way to refer to Cuttino Mobley as “Cat” is if he’s jacking up ill-advised three-pointers and you’re saying “Cat Don’t Care.” I just don’t understand why announcers do these things. Why do they constantly refer to these guys by their first names? Casual fans that are trying to get into watching that team are not going to be able to follow who’s doing what and will end up thinking that they’re missing out on inside information. But I’m sure new viewers don’t really matter.
Brandon Gallawa- I have multiple theories about why it is has become so prevalent for NBA announcers to use first names and nicknames. For this broadcast I’m really starting to lean towards my Just One of the Guys theory. I’m not talking about the movie from 1985 starring Joyce Hyser and Billy Zabka. I’ve had this theory for a while, and it really only applies to bad announcers such as Lawler and Smith. Basically announcers that have a hard time doing the play-by-play will often resort to using nicknames and first names. They do this in an attempt to establish a connection with the audience that is most likely watching the broadcast. In the past one could even make a case for the use of Cat or Sam instead of Mobley or Cassell because the fans of the Clippers watching at home or at a bar would be using the same vernacular. This has become more unacceptable and unprofessional as fans have become more intelligent and especially since the advent of League Pass. It is no longer okay for an announcing crew to use first names and nicknames in an attempt to connect to the fan base because it alienates the casual fans and the diehard intelligent fans all at the same time. Lawler and Smith are essentially pandering to female fans that think “How cute” when they hear the name Cat.
Objectivity- Zach Harper: 6; Brandon Gallawa: 7
Zach Harper- This duo wasn’t very bad for most of this game. They were excited during the few good plays and didn’t get over anxious for calls against the Clippers. But towards the end of a tight game, they started getting pretty chippy about the referees and some of the calls for the Knicks. It seemed like a desperate attempt to find an excuse just in case they ended up losing to the lowly Knicks. Good job for most of the game, but they lost a really good score in the last few minutes.
Brandon Gallawa- I have been pleasantly surprised so far in the objectivity department of our critiques especially by this crew. They called the game pretty evenly. They talked up the Stephon Marbury situation ad nauseum, and it had to be mentioned. It cost them points later in the game when they seemed to question how the Knicks could even be in the game considering all the distractions. These guys were also in love with Mobley, Cassell and Chris Kaman. I love all those guys too, but I would still keep a level of professionalism and objectivity when describing their games/skills.
Color Commentator (Mike Smith)- Zach Harper: 2; Brandon: 3
Zach Harper- This guy wasn’t Tony Fiorentino bad but he was pretty close. It wasn’t really because he didn’t add anything to the game or because he was damn near incompetent at his job. This son of a bitch left the announcers table with a wireless microphone to go sit in the crowd. THE COLOR COMMENTATOR!!! He thought that he was Bob Sagat going into the crowd on America’s Funniest Home Videos. It was like watching Ellen Degeneres bomb during an awards show so she tries to save face by going into the crowd to spice things up. I felt like it was a Vegas lounge singer going to talk to the crowd. This was the most unprofessional thing I had seen since… well… Stephon Marbury’s last game.
Brandon Gallawa- Why must NBA teams hire color commentators that bring nothing of substance to the game? It seems as though the basic requirements are to be an ex-player that is somewhat easy on the eyes. Dan Majerle can pull this off because he can contribute, but Mike Smith was lacking in the substance department. If that weren’t enough the Clippers had him broadcast from random spots in the arena. Nothing says gimmicky quite like this. The only thing that would have made the broadcast seem more disjointed would have been if Smith found his way to the parking lot. The thing that kills me about a commentator like Smith is that he did the play-by-play. I think this always leads to problems because certain people are made for play-by-play and some people are good at providing analysis. I think Smith might fall into the former, and that hurts him in the latter.
Sideline Reporter (Lindsay Soto)- Zach Harper: 8; Brandon Gallawa: 8
Zach Harper- Lindsay Soto was not bad at her job. She didn’t try to do too much and she was heard from maybe once per quarter, which should be the maximum. Not only that, but Lindsay Soto isn’t too bad on the eyes either. She didn’t try to be one of the guys and she didn’t try to give us cute little side stories. She reported on what was said in the huddles for the Clippers where I’m sure Mike Smith tried to announce part of the game from.
Brandon Gallawa- I think that in certain instances sideline reporters should be seen and not heard. I strongly feel that Soto falls into this category. She was attractive and didn’t say too much. Her appearances were limited to a few seconds per half, and that is fine with me. She just did what she was there for, and that was to report “news” on the game. But as I’ve said many times to Zach, a broadcast is only capable of a perfect score if there is no sideline reporter, or the broadcast that just has an attractive woman standing on the sidelines that doesn’t say anything.
Halftime Show- Zach Harper: 4; Brandon Gallawa: 6
Zach Harper- The halftime show consisted of Michael Eaves and former NBA player Don MacLean. It looked like they were tucked away in a closet somewhere, which made it kind of awkward. They didn’t give a lot of interesting stats and went with the basic team stats of shooting percentages, rebounds and turnovers. This halftime show actually made me want to count down the seconds until the second half of the game. Well, they accommodated that wish with a countdown in a corner of the screen that let you know exactly when the second half would begin. It’s an underrated tool that most teams should adopt.
Brandon Gallawa- I love the countdown to the second half. That really gave me a lot of hope for this halftime show, but unfortunately it didn’t live up to that hype. I’m so sick of halftime shows that basically tell us things that we already know. I know that Marbury is a distraction. I appreciate the statistics, but I would appreciate some interpretation of those statistics. I would love to hear analysis or trends or what to look for in the second half. We also need to stop with the halftime teams during the games. Unless they have an unquestionable rapport, let’s just have one guy giving us stats and analysis.
Replay/Production- Zach Harper: 4; Brandon Gallawa: 7
Zach Harper- It was another FSN cookie-cutter display. Except because we’re in Los Angeles, I’m guessing there had to be a dramatic element added to the broadcast. They gave us something called X-Mo, which turned out to be a replay in super, slow motion. Guess what? If I wanted to watch a replay in super, slow motion, I’d keep hitting the pause button on my TiVo remote. This is a terrible feature in my opinion that is about as cool as Fox’s baseball replays of a batter’s swing that takes entirely too long to see. It’s about as dramatic as a Lindsay Lohan thriller movie.
Brandon Gallawa- I love the X-Mo. At least the Clippers’ broadcast was taking advantage of their HD cameras. Sure the rest of the broadcast was essentially any other FSN production, but using the technology shouldn’t lower their score. Outside of that there wasn’t much special about it. But the production didn’t take away from the game.
Make Funability- Zach Harper: 6; Brandon Gallawa: 7
Zach Harper- We’ll get to the announcer in a minute but he’s the reason you can make fun of this broadcast for the most part. It actually wasn’t a broadcast that was anything special in both good and bad ways. It was very bland production, which makes it hard to make fun of what was happening. Still can’t believe that Mike Smith left the scorer’s table to take a walk around.
Brandon Gallawa- It’s hard to make fun of such a forgettable broadcast. The broadcast and the announcers would have been easier to make fun of if it wasn’t so boring. It was also fun to make fun of a senile old man like Lawler. Most of the make funability came from the players on the court. Sam I Am and his marbles dance and veteranizing people. Cat Don’t Care jokes are in abundance when watching a Clippers’ game, but that will never affect our make funability score that much.
Post-Game Show- Zach Harper: 5; Brandon Gallawa: 6
Zach Harper- Once again we were blessed with Michael Eaves and Don MacLean. They finally went over some individual performances and had a couple of decent replays. They didn’t talk at all about the affect that Stephon Marbury’s drama might have had on the outcome of the game. They were still playing 7 Second in Heaven by being tucked away in a closet. It didn’t really add to the telecast that I had just watched.
Brandon Gallawa- It was nothing too special. We have two guys that don’t seem to work all that well with one another doing a show together. You would think that they would get some inside information on the Marbury situation or analysis on the distraction. It was an awkward setup that made me feel like I was watching an awkward post-game show.
Play-by-Play Announcer (Ralph Lawler)- Zach Harper: 3; Brandon Gallawa: 3
Zach Harper- Listening to Ralph Lawler give the play-by-play of a game is like activity day at a retirement home. This guy sounds like a confused old man because he actually IS a confused old man. He constantly was messing up the score even by saying the Clippers were up 4 when it was actually 5. He called double-teams, “2-teamed,” which gives you an eerie feeling that Jenna Jameson is probably going to be involved soon. Walter Cronkite is rolling over in his grave listening to this guy.
Brandon Gallawa- This guy makes John Wooden seem young. He really was senile. At times Lawler was unaware of the score or the situation. I’ve never heard anyone call a double-team a 2-team until I watched this game. It was so hard to listen to him. He was boring and uninteresting. He would yell random things at random times. Lawler is like your grandpa’s crazy cousin that speaks too quietly and then screams “Pancakes” at a random time. Needless to say I wasn’t impressed.
Would We Watch Again? Zach Harper: 2; Brandon Gallawa: 3
Zach Harper- The only reason I would watch this game again is if Sam Cassell is playing. Cassell is the only entertaining part of this production and telecast and other than that I can’t think of one reason to put myself through that kind of boredom again. I’d rather watch a Hugh Grant movie where he’s a bumbling, goofy, lovable charmer than a Clippers’ broadcast. THAT’S how boring this broadcast team is.
Brandon Gallawa- Cassell, Cat and Kaman are the only reasons I would watch another Clippers’ broadcast. It’s sad that this broadcast might keep me from future enjoyment of the ultimate veteran, the ultimate Cat Not Caring, and the ultimate dirty white guy that is playing out of his stringy-haired mind. Unfortunately the boredom from this broadcast may end up killing whatever enjoyment I may have ever gotten from the Clippers’ Television Network. I never thought I would say this, but I wish we had Bill Walton during this game. At least our make funability and personal enjoyment would be through the roof.
Zach Harper’s Final Score: 43/100; Brandon Gallawa’s Final Score: 53/100
Andy Eisner’s Dickter Scale (aka Hot Chick Bonus): +4 Points
Sadly enough, the Dickter Scale score was influenced by Corey Maggette’s “oiled up shoulders” and Charlie Sheen’s presence. All of the hot girls and celebrities must only attend the Lakers’ games at the Staples Center because they certainly weren’t here. Our resident cynic needs a little bit more to give a really good score. Maybe Emilio Estevez would’ve done it….
Overall Score (Average of 2 sides + Andy’s Bonus): 52/100