Back around Thanksgiving I really wanted to write an article chronicling what NBA players, coaches, general managers and owners should be thankful for in 2007. I didn’t ever get around to writing that article because of how hectic my life outside of this site can be. Around Christmas I thought that I could basically use the same idea and write out wish lists to Santa Clause from different NBA personalities. Once again time with my family won out. (I know I hate when that happens too)
I was starting to get frustrated because I really thought it was a good idea that could be a potentially great article. With all the New Year’s celebrations just happening, I had the idea that I could turn the article into all the New Year’s resolutions from around the league. We all have resolutions, and it would be great to turn that into what people around the league are trying to improve.
It must have been a good idea because Psychic Friend Harper posted the same idea for resolutions for each team for 2008 on our Weekly Power Rankings. Needless to say I thought that I would never write this article. I was not deterred. I pressed on to write the article for two reasons:
1. It was my New Year’s resolution to contribute more to the site, and
2. I really didn’t think this idea would fly for a Valentine’s Day article.
So here are some New Year’s resolutions that people around the league have for this year:
Joe and Gavin Maloof – Try to realize that their job isn’t to meddle with Geoff Petrie. Their job is to own a basketball team, a casino and to have more money than God’s accountant.
Scott Skiles – Find a new job with a GM that has the balls to pull the trigger on a big move and isn’t inept.
Maurice Cheeks – Pray every day that the front office doesn’t change their mind about Billy King.
Kobe Bryant – Keep playing this team oriented game until he has everyone fooled then flip the script and drop 90 in Game 1 against the Suns in the playoffs.
Mike Bibby – Get a crown tattoo that matches his new Cleveland teammate’s tattoo and change his entourage name from Team Dime to King Dime.
Chris Webber – Quit weighing his options and apply for an AARP card.
Kevin Garnett – Prepare for the most intense MVP/Defensive Player of the Year award speech ever.
John Paxson – Quit overvaluing bad big men that are one dimensional at best.
Kevin Durant – Get 10 assists in a game or score 30 points on 20 shots or less (really expand the dimensions of your game T-Mac Jr.).
Mark Jackson – Shimmy his way into receiving the highest score in the Announcer Critiques and a head coaching position.
Andray Blatche – Solicit fewer prostitutes.
Tracy McGrady – Win in the first round of the playoffs or stay healthy and actually get there.
Michael Redd – Beat Jesus Shuttlesworth in the three-point shootout on All Star Saturday Night.
Michael Redd’s Bald Spot – Continue spreading faster than the virus in Outbreak and overtake Manu Ginobli’s bald spot for world domination.
Gregg Popovich – Hire Clint Howard as a bench coach, so Pop isn’t the ugliest thing you will see during an NBA broadcast in HD.
Craig Sager – Wear a sensible suit during his sideline reporter gig.
Carlos Boozer – Make friends with more blind people.
Mark Cuban – Find a new barber.
Jamario Moon/Louis Williams – Get more suburban white guys to fall in love with their games.
Chris Paul – Make more “pundits” regret ever questioning if Deron Williams is a better player than him (He’s averaging 21.5 points 10 assists 4 rebounds and a ridiculous 3 steals per game by the way).
Sam Cassell – Veteranize his one-millionth defender.
Stan Van Gundy – Invest in Coach of the Year trophy polish.
Pat Riley – Borrow some books on Eastern philosophy from Phil Jackson so he can learn a little about Karma.
Dwight Howard – Not be happy until he has a 40 point and 30 rebound performance (It’s not even a matter of if it will happen anymore).
Michael Conley Jr. – Be patient because he knows he is going to light the basketball world on fire soon.
Chicago Bulls’ Starting Line-up – Stop ruining fantasy leagues around the country and making “experts” look bad.
Billy Knight – “Just make the playoffs. Please let it happen for once. I made all the right picks in the draft for the first time ever. We have one of the best cap situations in the league. Don’t make me look foolish again because I’ve done that enough on my own. Make the playoffs for Christ’s sake.”
Ron Artest – Decide that he is really going to start throwing people off and act normal.
Michael Beasley, Eric Gordon, & Derrick Rose – Make a big run during March Madness this year and make people forget all about this year’s draft.
O.J. Mayo – Hope that no one points out the fact that he is an O.J. that attends USC (why is no one talking about this?).
James Dolan – Find new ways to waste money and infuriate Knick fans i.e. throw millions of dollars into a bonfire while repeatedly punching Spike Lee in the nuts.
Greg Oden – Work on his ability to hold back laughter (It will come in handy three years from now when he’ll celebrate his first NBA championship by reading all of Bill Simmons’ pro-Durant articles.)
Steve Nash – Come clean and finally give the location of the fountain of youth he found.
LeBron James – Stop channeling his inner-Jordan and start channeling his inner-Big O; it would just be better for the league.
Allen Iverson – Practice more.
Shaquille O’Neal – Rescue more mascots stuck in trees and bring back funny Shaq from six years ago.
Tim Duncan – Work out his Championship Trophy Hoisting muscles (he’s going to need them).
Ernie Johnson, Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith – Stop having Magic Johnson in the studio slowing things down and ruining the best studio show on television.
Reggie Miller – Get five ex-players to admit that they like him or let alone could tolerate him.
David Stern – Throw his hat in the ring to run for President.
Isiah Thomas – This whole article could have been Zeke’s New Year’s Resolutions; he’s had a bad year.
These aren’t the only resolutions that the NBA has for 2008. E-mail me your ideas for NBA New Year’s Resolutions, and I’ll start posting them in my articles and blogs. You can be apart of the Talkhoops revolution. Support the Habit, Contribute to the Habit.