Ladies and gentlemen, we now have a series. I still think it’s near imperative for the Lakers to win the next two games in order to win this series. However, we won’t be looking at a sweep by the boys from Beantown. So in honor of the Lakers (or the league officials, if you believe Tim Donaghy) deciding to make this series compelling, we now bring some more of the NBA Finals Not-So-Final Awards.
Pretentious Nickname Award- Sasha Vujacic
Dude has one good game and now I can’t look anywhere without seeing “The Machine” getting credit. An ATM is a machine. Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 2 was a f**king machine. You, my dear boy, may be able to give a good soccer playing after a red card impersonation. You may be able to hit a wide open 3 in the corner after KG and friends inexplicably doubled Kobe. But 20 points in one night doesn’t make you a machine. If that’s the case then Leon Powe deserves a nickname too.
E.T. Please Phone Home Award- Sam Cassell
Our favorite alien was in rare form for Game 3, firing four shots in three minutes, which would put Sam the man at a pace of 64 shots in a game. It is time that Doc Rivers take notes from another Stephen Spielberg classic and lock him up Holy Grail style. He is killing the Celtics.
The American Beauty Award- Kobe Bryant
Zach Harper and I had a discussion about this, ladies and gents, and there is no doubt that Kobe Bryant looks like he is throwing rose petals up in the air every time anyone even breathes on him. Mena Suvari may have starred in the Oscar winning film but you could certainly make an argument that Kobe is the better actor.
Patrick Swayze Stunt Double Award- Lamar Odom
Not since the 80s heartthrob starred in Ghost have we seen a man disappear so quickly. Wasn’t this the same guy who was stepping up versus the Spurs and Jazz in the playoffs?
It doesn’t seem that long ago, even though it was a decade, that Odom was wrecking shop in the NCAA tourney with the Rhode Island Rams. Now he can’t even come to play as the third best player on his team. Move over Ashton, Lamar wants some time on the pottery wheel with Demi Moore.
Alzheimer’s Award- Phil Jackson
Commenting on the allegations of fixed games that came from Tim Donaghy, Jackson asked “Was that after the fifth game after we had the game stolen away from us after a bad call out of bounds and gave the ball back to Sacramento and they made a three-point shot? There’s a lot of things going on in these games and they’re suspicious, but I don’t want to throw it back to there.”
Hmm, I guess he was looking away in games 6 when the Lakers shot a ridiculous 27 free throws in the 4th quarter alone. If there’s any team who has NO right to complain it is the Lakers. They got handed Game 6 in 2002 versus Sac-town. They got away with a Derek Fisher foul versus the Spurs last series. And Jerry West played Santa earlier this year in giving Pau Gasol for Kwame “MJ’s Bitch” Brown. Kleenex just called Phil. They want their monopoly on tears back.
The Resurrection Award- Ray Allen
Give props to Ray Allen for fighting through his slump. Jesus Shuttlesworth was superb in Game 3, getting 25 in the loss. Allen’s nickname is picture perfect given he has died in the playoffs and then come back to life. If we could ask for one more miracle from Allen it would be for Allen to coax Denzel into growing out his fro again. That hairdo was righteous.
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