After all the hype and mad mugging of Stephen A. Smith and company we finally are beginning to get an idea of how this series is shaping up. It seems that everyone, including your favorite b-ball experts at Talkhoops.net, have dissected every area of this series, from the significance of Kobe’s smile to his shooting percentage and the bettor’s odds on Phil Jackson swiping a hairpiece from David Letterman. So, in anticipation of all trophies that will be handed out in two games or more (depending on whether the Lakers decide to show up for a third quarter) we are happy to roll out the red carpet and issue some NBA Finals Not-So-Final Awards.
The Somebody Get this Man a Paper Bag! Award – Kevin Garnett
Aside from NBA mascots like the Spurs Coyote, there is not a single on-court presence in the NBA that has as much intensity and fire as KG. Every time the guy scores we can see him fire off a flurry of obscenities that would make sailors say Hail Marys. While we applaud the effort both on offense and defense the truth is that we are a little scared of Garnett having a heart attack before the series ends. Don’t be shocked if you hear this play-by-play comment: “Fisher goes up the left side, works the screen, and Garnett steals the ball! Garnett steals the ball! The Celtics are the new world champions! Gar… Oh my god! Garnett’s head exploded on court!”
The Michael Jackson Tribute Award- Vladimir Radmanovic
This award goes out to the no call for the traveling effort Radmanovic gave in the fourth quarter of Game 2. Now I love a momentum shift as much as the next guy but come on. No man has moved their feet that much since the King of Pop himself. Refs, it is your job to make the right calls, I don’t care if you’ve been told by David Stern to keep the games interesting.
The “Bad A** Mother F**ker who is Not Playing like One…Yet Award- Kobe Bryant
Much has been made for Kobe’s poor shooting efforts versus the Celtics this season. He has been consistent at least, firing 33% a game. But the steakhouse went full Samuel L. in Pulp Fiction during the final half of Game 2 every time he thought he was fouled. Memo to Kobe, you’re better than this. Leave the crying to your boy, Pau Gasol. Of course, now that I have said that Kobe will go off for 55 in Game 3 with 25 free throw attempts.
Speaking of Pau…
The Matador Award- Pau Gasol
As ESPN’s Bill Simmons said, Pau Gasol is the only player in the history of the NBA who has never committed a foul. This is a pretty impressive feat considering how aggressive the Celtics have been on offense. The award is also for his unspectacular effort on transition defense, highlighted by 10 time All-Star Leon Powe going human highlight reel any time he felt like it in Game 2. Wait, Leon Powe averages 4 a game? Damn, that makes it even worse. Pau, be happy, we damn near gave you the “Guy who Looks like He is working in Amateur Porn Award,” which of course wouldn’t have been much different since your porn name would have been Matt A-Dork
The Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Run and Hyde Award- Rajon Rondo
Is it possible for a point guard to dish 16 assists to 2 turnovers and still leave you cringing every time he takes the ball up the floor? Apparently, as Rondo countered his smart PG play by missing four free throws and setting the record for times a player has made a fan yell “Shoot the F’ing ball!” at a screen. A player with such quickness and potential should not be afraid to drive to the lane when a Buick could fit through it.
The Don’t Call It a Comeback Award- Paul Pierce
Enough with the Willis Reed comparisons, let’s move on to the LL Cool J ones. Anyone who was in fear that Paul Pierce’s knee would play a role in the remaining games now can relax. Pierce was even more impressive than in his heroic Game 1 effort, leading the Celtics with 28 points. Even better for Celtics fans is the fact that he has now realized if you drive to the basket good things happen. This concept has not quite arrived to Lakers players yet, which would somewhat explain the staggering free throw differential thus far in the series.
The First Ever X-Factor that Won’t Log a Single Minute in the Series Award- Andrew Bynum
A wise man once said karma is a bitch. A year ago Kobe Bryant was lacing obscenities to anyone in a mall that would care, and the Black Mamba was nice enough to throw his teammates under the bus, particularly Andrew Bynum. Well Kobe, you wanted Bynum the f**k out of here, you got it. The basketball gods apparently are having their say in a series where the Lakers sorely miss the presence of Bynum under the basket. Bynum’s absence may indeed be the reason Kobe and company go home without a title this year. But don’t cry too hard for them, Argentina. The Lakers will be back next year, and that’s not to say they won’t turn this series around.
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