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Written by Zach Harper
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Friday, 25 September 2009 02:24 |
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Last night, I made a quick little 100-mile trek to San Francisco to take in a show that I've been anticipating for quite some time. It was the Nightman Cometh Musical that was performed on the fourth season's finale for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. For those of you unfamiliar with the show, it's one of the FUNNIEST DAMN SHOWS YOU'LL EVER SEE ON TV! It's about the worst group of individuals possible, trying to scheme and work their way through life without any real thought or productive effort put into their daily activities. It's great!
One of the characters, Charlie, is pretty illiterate and not very good at life and he decides to write a musical based on a song he once wrote that features a man on man rape scene. Yep, you read that correctly. So last night, the actual cast of the show (including Danny DeVito) came to San Francisco and performed the entire episode on stage at the Nob Hill Masonic Center with some extra things sprinkled in. It was probably the greatest thing I've ever been to and I can't imagine it getting topped any time soon. The musical itself makes absolutely no sense, seems completely wild and insane, and is clearly something that only a group of drunk (possibly high) friends could come up with during a 4am brainstorming session.
And that's kind of how I view this situation of a Russian "oligarch" buying the New Jersey Nets. It's insane. Actually, it's far beyond insane. It's mind-bottling. Here are a few of my favorite things that we've learned about Mikhail Prokhorov, the soon to be new owner of the New Jersey Nets:
- Via Mental Floss (H/T- SB Nation): "Prokhorov put his money in an investment vehicle that would only have thrived in the late 80's: an acid-washed jeans company." Acid wash jeans??? Once again, we have A.C. Slater to thank for everything that is entertaining and good in this world. Without Slater's rise to fame, acid wash jeans would have never hit it big and the Nets would be struggling to find someone to fund their move to Brooklyn.
- Via Nets Are Scorching: We find out that he owns a piece of the CSKA Moscow basketball team. And they've been pretty successful. "They have won their Russian League titles every year since 2002-2003, plus they have been in the Euroleague final the final four years...winning it two out of those four years."
- Via Forbes Magazine: He was named the 40th wealthiest man in the world. He's worth a reported $9.5 billion with $5 billion coming in cash holdings. Last night, I went to the ATM to get cash for some drinks at the show. I pulled out $60 because I didn't know how much I wanted to drink and just wanted to play it safe. Turns out, my girlfriend had somehow ended up with getting my drink for free because the guy helping us didn't really seem to care about his job and probably had been huffing spray paint in the alley before his shift started. I immediately regretted pulling out so much cash because I knew that I'd end up unnecessarily spending it before I could put it back in my account. Mikhail and I are in different financial places right now. Oh by the way, he "loves kickboxing."
- Via NorthJersey.com: "And he's been arrested (but never charged) for allegedly flying prostitutes to a French ski resort to entertain his wealthy friends on holiday." Um... this is the coolest thing ever to happen to the NBA.
Via Ziller at Fan House: "Woj quotes two anonymous NBA executives who attended the Euroleague Final Four (where Prokhorov's CSKA Moscow competed). The execs, Woj writes, "marveled over the spillover of Prokhorov-supplied blondes and brunettes that turned the tournament locale into a remote Playboy Mansion." This is not couched as some sort of demerit -- in fact, Woj seems to argue this will help Prokhorov connect with his millionaire players. To which I say ... well, duh." How could this go wrong? Mr. Prokhorov, you will have Donald Sterling's vote.
There are plenty of more items to know about him. I'd definitely Wikipedia him and check out that Mental Floss piece in its entirety.
This guy seems like Mark Cuban, only hopped up on PCP and Viagra. You can guarantee that the Nets will be a Top 5 team in three years if this guy is approved by the NBA Board of Governors to purchase the franchise. And why wouldn't he be?
Have you seen movies about Russian guys? The Saint taught us that powerful Russians are corrupt enough to get just about whatever they want. So he can probably strong arm the concerned owners into voting for them. Eastern Promises showed us that the Russian guys can fight while they're naked. So you can bet that if this guy gets to talk to the owners in the steam room before they go to vote, he can "convince them" to find it in their hearts/wallets to vote him into the club.
He's going to pour more money into this franchise than Herb Kohl knows what to do with. He'll build the most state of the art arena in Brooklyn, move the team there, secure all of the ownership rights, and make a killing off of this place every year. He'll be the model of the owner that funds whatever the team needs, makes the city of his team happy, and reaps the benefits every season while poor franchises sit idly by and twiddle their thumbs, wondering why they can't get their city to just pay for a new arena in a terrible economy. He's basically the guy at the school dance that has no qualms about walking up to hot girl of the school and asking her for a dance while everybody else marvels at the onions on this guy.
Remember when we all marveled at the private jet, locker room recliners and terrycloth robes that Mark Cuban provided for the Mavericks as he changed the culture of basketball in Dallas? Try throwing hot, Russian prostitutes that are terrified to get a bad review reported back to their billionaire pimp just milling about the team functions and Brooklyn night clubs. Do you think overly young athletes worth millions of dollars might want to play in that environment? You can expect Blake Griffin, Kevin Durant and Ricky Rubio to accept the veteran's minimum in 2014 to come play for the Nets.
I guess what I'm saying is that anything can happen with the New Jersey Brooklyn Nets when if this sale goes through. And it will go through. Mikhail Prokhorov is going to be the owner that we all wish owned our beloved franchise. He's going to lure LeBron James, Chris Bosh, and find a way to reanimate Wilt Chamberlain to make a return to the court and slaying Russian women just because he has that kind of money to throw around.
He is the Dayman to the current economy's Nightman. He's a master of karate kickboxing and prostitution friendship for everyone.
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